Nothing was taken; I willingly chose to give it all. He’s not at fault. I forgive him for all that was lost, but how do I forgive myself? When I say I gave up everything and placed it in his hands, I mean it. I wish I could tell you why I did it, but love will always be the excuse.
In a perfect world, I would say that I fell in love with someone who turned out to be selfish, but I can’t even say that. I think our love was selfish to begin with and I didn’t see the warning signs. We were never destined to work, so I’m not too sure why we kept trying, but we knew our love would surpass the hurdles.
I want to just tell you everything that I gave up to be with you, but I’m not sure if you would hear it. I want to tell you every considerable job I denied, every person I left behind, and the personal expense that I let slip behind but I don’t know if you would understand it. You’re black and white, and I’m every bright shade of pastel. You already know what I gave up though, so how can I be so invisible?
When I got here, it was quite possibly one of the best feelings I ever had. It was like my temperature had gone up 3 degrees, but I was also lying in the snow. I felt it all, but I also felt empty. How could I be so in love but so numb to everything else at the same time? It was harrowing watching friends fade away, family stops calling, and old coworkers see me as someone who ‘gave up and left.’
Thinking of every little thing of my own that I had in order to build a life with you makes me both happy and sad. I felt like I lost myself, but I also found you. However, after a while, you seemed cold and distant, and I questioned my motives for jumping across the country to be with you. I had to slowly relearn myself in a place so foreign to me. I knew no one. I left behind the people I love. I’m homesick. However, your arms feel like home, and when I’m away from you, I’m even sicker.
Rediscovering myself took every fiber of my being that I had left. I didn’t know it was possible. The first day I flipped mirrors around and went on a run. I hate running. I woke up before the sun did and I took my vitamins and drank water and did basically everything good that you could do for yourself that early. Compared to the past it felt like I was bathing in bleach, but I continued this every day until I smiled. I didn’t know I was capable of doing something good for myself that didn’t involve spending money. I turned my mind off and remained quiet. I found peace in the silence, and I think at this point you began noticing that I was acting differently.
I spoke my mind. I think after a week of gathering myself I told you what I needed. I was blunt, honest, and I think I came off rude, but I didn’t come here to be invisible. I stopped being the pursuer. I stopped being the one to constantly show affection. I distanced myself. This is when you got mad and thought I was ignoring you, which is how I’ve been feeling for months.
Nothing is quite figured out yet, and I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that I’ve found myself again though, and whether I stay here or not, I’ve learned a lot about what I want.
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About The Author: Natalie is a published article writer who has traveled the world and now resides in a small town in Kentucky enjoying the outdoors and family.
