Dear “Dad”,
Thanks for walking out on our family when I was 8. Thanks for instilling the deep-set insecurities that have contributed to my depression and broken relationships. But most of all, thank you for showing me how strong I am.
I resented you for the longest time. I always assumed that if you hadn’t left, my life would’ve been perfect. For all of my childhood, I looked for you. I always have hoped you would show up to surprise me one day; walking through the same door, you left.
You left mom and me to fend for ourselves. You took everything from us. Even after 24 years, I’m still having problems with the demons you left in my life. I wanted to blame you. I wanted you to know what you did to us, but I couldn’t even find you. When you left without a trace, it felt like you intentionally meant to break our family apart.
As I got older, I realized nothing is ever that simple. The fairy tale father I always imagined was the quintessential father; he was kind, firm, understanding, and supportive. I realized that I was never going to have that. For a while, I thought I would’ve been okay with a horrible father like you, but I realized that it was actually for the best. I realized that you not being around saved me because having a father figure like you would have probably made everything worse. You are not the kind of person I need in my life, and until I have an explanation, I stand strong on this sentiment.
There could be dozens of reasons why you left. You could have thought you wouldn’t have been a good influence or father. You could have thought I wasn’t worth your time or you didn’t have the money to support me. I really don’t know… Nor will I ever.
For all of those reasons, I’m grateful you weren’t around. I wouldn’t want a gager who didn’t want me.
Yeah I missed you I missed what kind of family we could’ve been, but I know my dreams are not what would’ve really been. Sometimes, I still search for the reason you left, like your decision to leave me was a choice and whether it was for my benefit of yours.
You may have given me a blessing. Not sure, probably won’t ever know what could’ve been but I do know that you missed out. I am delightful and kind and loving person who enjoys making people happy. I’ve found my strengths. Although I still struggle with my insecurities and depression, the process of bettering those aspects have made me a stronger person. Since you left, I am able to choose my relationships with more caution. I have some of the best friends I could ever ask for, and dating has been a completely different experience. I know my worth, and even though my caution can be a downfall, at least I only let the most genuine people into my life.
I’ve also gained the strength to not ‘hate’ anymore. Those feelings of resentment towards you have passed and I’m at peace with the fact my life has been so much better without you.
Even though you left, it was a blessing in disguise, and I thank you for not hindering my life anymore.
Hope you’re doing well, wherever you are.
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