Bitchscopes: The Bitter Bitchy Truth You Want to Hear About Everyone but Yourself!

Horoscopes tell you all sorts about your zodiac sign but they don’t always leave in the negatives about yourself.

Bitchscopes tell you what you don’t want to hear…but maybe should know.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

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You’re not a good driver. It’s not a test of your driving skills to be exactly 6 inches from the car in front of you. You’re also incredibly self-absorbed.

Female Aries are completed enraptured with yourselves. You say you want a real man, but mainly because you think you are one.

If you’re a male Aries, stop thinking that you’re so wonderful. You may think you’re handsome and dynamic but you’re not. Running around, generating lots of noise and attention doesn’t count.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

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You’re vain, materialistic, greedy, stupid and amazingly unattractive. Your enormous mouth is used to constantly inhale cakes and sweets. You like to sit around counting your money and constantly buy new clothes to show off your vanity.

Make sure you only make love in the dark, your bad traits might stay hidden for a while.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

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You’re incredibly complex, however everyone that knows you manages to have the same opinion of you based on your unreliability and mood swings. You spend far too much time staring at yourself in the mirror. You’re calculated and not carefree, although you pretend to be.

Your favorite game is telling one person one thing, telling someone else something completely different and then going off and doing something else completely – all at the same time.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

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You may appear to be lovely and charming but only when you need to make a good impression or you want something from someone else. Generally, you’re snappy, crabby, bad-tempered, grumpy and not good first thing in the morning.

People may thing that you’re kind and caring, but really, you’re not.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

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You prefer to be a big fish in a small pond so your insecurities don’t show. You’re the best at everything, or at least you think you are. While pretending to be charming and generous, under the surface you’re ambitious and ruthless.

You’ll always stay in situations where you can easily pretend to shine and no one would be any the wiser.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

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You give great advice. Oh wait, no you don’t. You just think you do. Everyone gets a taste of your ‘advice’ but really, you’re putting your nose in where it isn’t wanted. Not everyone needs to be told what to do by someone who really doesn’t know.

Stop banging on about your healthy lifestyle too, for someone who apparently is so healthy, you really do moan about a lot of illnesses.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

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Have you noticed how you can drive calm, peaceful people into venomous arguments when they’re usually a pacifist?

You love to argue, you can pull in anyone to an argument whether you really believe in the cause or not. You can’t agree with anyone and will argue against their point regardless.

You’re indecisive and will go with the flow but in social situations you just want to find a partner to take home, and probably argue with them.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

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You’re a bit screwed up. You think your cool demeanor fools people, but it doesn’t. You don’t ever seem to move forwards, going over the same things repeatedly with no change in sight.

People notice how vengeful you are, your many issues (there’s always something) and just how easy it is to upset you with something nonsensical.

Scorpios are believed to be passionate and sexual but there’s no real intimacy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

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You really don’t practice what you preach. If you believe in freedom and equal opportunities, why don’t you help those in need? You’re limited in your abilities but don’t worry, your loud enough about what you do have to make yourself seem much smarter than you really are.

Somehow you manage to gain an advantage over those more talented that you, just because they have some modesty.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

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You don’t have many people in your life, but those who you do have, are there to serve a purpose. You’re cold hearted and cash-centric. Friends aren’t useful to you unless they can give you something. If someone or something doesn’t give you a material purpose, then it’s out the window.

You just really don’t care about anyone.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

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You’re the best person in the room, when you’re on your own. You wouldn’t tolerate the kind of behaviour you exhibit from anyone else, but it’s fine for you to do it. You believe you’re unusual, that rules are meant to be broken and that you’re one of a kind.

This may be true but don’t go expecting emotional support or any kind of reassurance from anyone, you’ll have to go it alone.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

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You’re a real chameleon in personality, changing to fit in with whoever you’re around. Left to your own devices you’re mainly grumpy and dopey. Rarely are you happy and your grumpiness knows no limits.

Your mood swings are frequent and people don’t care to be around you when your moods are so ruinous.


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