Is love all up to chance and fate? Do you have one soulmate out there somewhere, and until you meet that person romance is simply hopeless? Are you waiting for “The One?”
…or do we have more control than that?
What is love?
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No, this is not a reference to the Haddaway’s 1993 hit (but if it’s stuck in your head now, you’re welcome).
Psychologically speaking, love is a chemical reaction—similar to fear, stress, jealousy, and anxiety, to name a few. In fact, many of the chemicals that our brain uses to create these emotions are also used when we experience love.
That’s right: no magic potions, no moonlight rituals—just your brain, its chemicals, and a few “heart eyes” emojis.
So how much control do we really have over a chemical reaction? Well, to be honest, not much. At least not in the moment. But while we may not be able to control the chemical reaction itself, we can certainly control the circumstances leading up to it. Fear, stress, jealousy, anxiety and even love are all results of our circumstances, and the chemical reaction is simply the final touch.
How do we fall in love?
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So, what is it that makes you feel that “spark” with the right person? Was the cheesy pickup line just that good? Did the stars align with perfect timing? Or did that person just happen to meet all of the criteria on your checklist?
That’s right. You have a checklist, even if you weren’t aware of it. Along with chemicals, your brain also provides the subconscious list of qualities that you are looking for. Psychologists call this a “love map,” a set criteria that your potential partner must meet before you are able to fall in love with them.
Every person’s checklist is unique to them, and depends on various factors including values, beliefs, past relationships, upbringing, and interests. This means that whether you admit to it or not, you do have a “type.”
Have you ever seen a relationship that you just couldn’t wrap your head around, although the couple is incredibly happy together? That is because they found someone that matches their own unique “love map,” which was clearly different than yours. Maybe you’ve tried dating someone but just didn’t feel the connection, no matter how good they looked on paper. That’s because subconsciously, you knew that they weren’t really meeting your criteria…or maybe you weren’t meeting theirs.
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Just like our brains are constantly telling our hearts to beat, our lungs to breathe or our eyes to blink, we are also calculating potential matches with any person we meet. If you meet someone and notice immediately that they do not meet one or more items on your “love map,” they are automatically removed as a potential romantic partner.
Sure, you might become good friends, but the difference between romantic attraction and platonic attraction is largely based on your subconscious checklist.
So what’s on your checklist? Education? Hair color? Family dynamics? Hobbies? Religious views? Sense of humor?
Imagine that you have been having a few flings here and there, but are finally ready for a serious relationship. Maybe the first person that broke your heart had blonde hair, and now your mind subconsciously tries to fill that gap by finding another partner with the same hair color.
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If you meet someone that meets the other criteria on your list (such as level of education, family goals, and religious views) but they don’t have blonde hair, it may be harder for that connection to feel natural. This is often why relationships can feel forced—because whether you know it or not, your mind has already disqualified this person as a partner.
That’s not to say that all hope is lost, though. Once you understand why you may feel “stuck,” it is possible to move forward and try to prioritize different items on your checklist.
Love at First Sight: Is It Real?
Love at first sight, that “gut feeling,” does indeed exist—many people can attest to that. But how? If you’ve never spoken to this person, how have you already calculated whether or not they match your criteria?
Maybe the items on your checklist are not what you think. Maybe it’s the way the person talks, walks, or interacts with others. Maybe it’s their physical appearance. Maybe it’s a mixture of all of those things… or maybe they remind you of someone else.
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We subconsciously attach ourselves to the people that meet the majority of our criteria. This is why it is so much more difficult to move on from some relationships than from others. Maybe you are being reminded of “the one that got away” without even realizing it; you end up following the same pattern, and fall in love with the same type of person. Because of this, we often don’t understand why we have fallen in love with a particular person, and chalk it up to “fate”.
They love me, they love me not…
If you are waiting around for your crush to fall in love with you, you have more control than you think. Just like you, that person also has their own unique checklist. It’s up to you to figure out what it is, and how to meet it. Of course, you should be sure that they meet all of your criteria first. Let’s leave the Love Games to Lady GaGa.
First things first: are they available? If that person is not looking for a partner (especially if they already have one), then your efforts may be better spent elsewhere.
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Do they want to pursue, or be pursued? If both of you are playing “hard to get,” it probably won’t work. Likewise, if both of you are playing the pursuer, you may clash. There’s no use in matching them exactly and giving them what they don’t need; you need to find out what they’re looking for in a partner.
Often, we look for people to fulfill an unmet need, or balance us out. Maybe the person of interest is incredibly smart, but lacking in confidence. Their checklist may require someone who is more confident. If you’re confident and can take on the role of fulfilling that unmet need, you’re essentially saying “Hey, look at this: I have exactly what you need.”
Repetition is also key.
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Don’t smother, but do stay visible. If you are continuously on the other person’s mind, it is much more likely that they will notice you, and calculate your compatibility more actively.
That being said, it is important that you are associated with positive things. When your name comes up, you want that person to be reminded of good things: joy, positivity, confidence, etc. The last thing you want to do is take up a large portion of that person’s brain by filling it with a negative connotation of yourself.
It is said that a person is largely influenced by the five people they are closest to. What do that person’s friends think of you? Would they encourage a relationship, or try to prevent it? Our subconscious minds are heavily programmed by outside influences, especially trusted sources such as good friends. It’s like subtle brainwashing.
So… what’s on your love map?
