Many people are often open up about how abandonment imprisons them behind a wall of their own built. They’re heard complaining about getting caught up in patterns of constant re-abandonment also called abandoholism or avoiding relationships altogether to avoid the pain, referred to as abandophobism. Others in a relationship talk about feeling chronic heartache and uncertainty. They feel shrouded in shame for being so needy of love and affection. It’s not the fear of abandonment that sabotages our relationships, it’s how we handle the fear.
Fear of abandonment is a primal phobia – not something we can easily get rid of. It is essential and universal to all human beings, a driving force in our relations and connections. It can either interfere in our affairs or reinforce them. Once we get a grip over how to deal with this primal fear, we can access its healing properties.
Feeling attracted to someone triggers the fear among us. How many times have you heard that someone is too vulnerable and too insecure to be in a relationship? Some people think they ask for too much from others when all they want is some love and affection and attention that every human deserves.
Because of this fear, we either push away those who want to be closer to us, or we simply annoy the person we are with to the point they have no option but to abandon us. However, there is a way out of such self-isolating patterns. First, have a look at things that you should never do;
Asking for too much
Having unrealistic expectations towards your partner, or wanting too much too soon puts your partner under pressure. They start worrying that whether they can provide you with a lifestyle that you want or not and because of this they find leaving you easier than struggling to make you happy. Overreact and over-needing makes your partner think less about you. Compromise is the key to a healthy relationship. Take things slow and let your partner adjust with the new beginnings.
Trying to squelch feelings
You know your insecurity is pushing your partner away, but you can’t seem to help it either. It’s natural being insecure about someone you love, but letting your insecurities sabotage your relationship is a stupid move. Instead, talk to your partner and let them know about what makes you uncomfortable. Give them a chance to show you how much you matter to them without jumping to conclusions.
Quit trying to manipulate your partner into doing things that will make you feel more secure. This will increase the pressure on the relationship and reduce its mutuality. Try to understand your partner’s point of view and let them make decision on their own as well. Don’t force them to do things that will make them question whether if they’re happy or not.
Don’t try to disguise your emotions, they always come out as taunts or anger. Your coyness aims straight at your partner no matter how hard you try to play it, they get detected by your partner. This makes them furious as to why you hide things instead of talking about them and fixing it.
Making your partner feel emotionally responsible toward you creates that awful dynamic where you need someone more than they need you. As the gap widens, your desperation is likely to intensify as well. Never depend on someone so much that they feel compelled to be with you instead of actually wanting it themselves.
Stop hating yourself when you sense that your insecurity is driving your partner away. Nothing comes good of it instead suffering on your own, instead do the things mentioned below to turn the tables around.
What to do:
- First of all, stop beating yourself up. You don’t cause fear of abandonment, it’s involuntary. It’s not something you sign up for, It found you so spare yourself of the guilt.
- Embrace this fear as part of being human and give yourself unconditional self love and compassion before laying it out for others and know that you’re not weak or dumb.
- Choose to stop laying your insecurity at anyone’s feet, including your partners.
Even if your partner triggered it, take all responsibility when your fear erupts rather than expecting your partner to fix it.
- Utilize abandonment fear as an opportunity to develop emotional self reliance and know that even if someone leaves, life goes on and you are enough for yourself to survive and be happy.
- Approach your partner with self-confidence, this will build trust between you too and spare you off the fiasco in your mind as well.
- Become actively engaged in abandonment recovery. The tools help you to systematically administer your own emotional needs so you don’t have to rely on someone else to do it.
- Engrave this reality in your heart that it’s no one else’s responsibility but your own to make you feel secure. The moment when you rely on your partner for the solution you give away your confidence and trust.
Take the road of emotional self reliance and accept yourself in the process. We don’t accomplish it perfectly or instantly, emotional self-reliance is slow. Transforming abandonment fear into confidence and self reliance involves radical acceptance of your presence as an individual. This empowers you to stop laying yourself and your insecurities at the feet of your partner and take full responsibility for your own emotional needs. There is exercise to help you become self assured and boost your confidence that gets you rid of abandonment phobia once and for all.