I gave up everything to be here even though I knew it was all problematic at best. If I’d had known that ditching the comfortable life I was living back on the other side of the country would end up like this, I wouldn’t have moved.
I feel like there is always the one person in the relationship who loves a little harder, talks a little softer, and shows a little bit more affection. That person is always me. It took almost three years to find out that I’m in love with a narcissist. Being an empath, all I tried to do was understand your life and take the best care of you.
Back and forth we go, in this constant limbo of whether we should end things for good or continue this toxic relationship, but we are each other’s addiction and being apart makes us both spiral out of control. However, we aren’t getting any younger, and this dizziness is exhausting. Why do I love you even though you’re unkind? I feel a knot in my stomach with each day that passes, because I become more and more invisible.
With all that, there’s only one thing left to say- if I leave again I’m gone forever. You’ve lost me completely. I left once before but something happened, and I was back, after only a few months of being gone. You’ve had a hold on me now for quite some time, but I need to do this for me. As much as I love you, when I leave, I’m going to be a ghost. I deserve to grieve, heal, and move on. I couldn’t do that to myself again- leave only to continue talking to you.
You said that this time would be different. There would be changes. You’d spend time with me, and I wouldn’t be so alone. I know we both have very demanding jobs, but that’s no excuse as to why we couldn’t make this work. I owe it to myself to move on. If I leave, don’t expect me to come crawling back. I love you. I think I always will. But I can’t continue to feel myself breaking every day just to be with you.
When I leave, I’m never coming back for many reasons, and you’re going to miss me deeply. You are going to wish that you didn’t take our alone time for granted. And I know that when I leave, you are going to be hurt, cry, and feel empty. The same things I feel on a daily basis. When I’m gone, there’s going to be no turning back, and you won’t hear from me ever again.
I deserve happiness, and so do you, maybe we just can’t find it within each other. I’ll always question the fact that I’m here now and I love you like I’ve never loved anyone before and you can’t show me the same in return. That’s why when I leave, I will take care of myself and find inner peace. I will move on and start a new chapter. It’ll hurt, but when I say ‘goodbye,’ it’ll be forever.
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About The Author: Natalie is a published article writer who has traveled the world and now resides in a small town in Kentucky enjoying the outdoors and family.