It wasn’t the first time we kissed, of course. Far from it, in fact. But the last time was different because as you kissed me, your phone made that unmistakable sound, and as I looked at your phone, my fears were confirmed.
“Stephanie Sent You A New Message”
The number of emotions that I felt and thoughts that went through my body and brain at that moment were uncountable, and there was no way to describe them at that moment.
Now that I’ve had a moment to step back and think about it, I’m ready to tell you exactly what it meant when I saw Tinder notifications on your phone when you kissed me.
It meant you were cheating on me. You claim you weren’t because you “didn’t do anything,” but the fact that you were looking for other women is cheating on me. I don’t know why you were looking for other women, and I don’t care. The fact of the matter was that you put time and effort into a dating app even though you were already dating me.
It meant that you lied to me. You had Tinder before we started dating, and of course, that was fine, but you told me you deleted it and assured me you had no use for it since you were with me. But apparently, you changed your mind and suddenly had a use for it. You may be wondering where the lie is here. A lie of omission can be just as harmful as an out-right lie.
It meant that you are a coward. Rather than coming to me and telling me that you wanted to see other women and ending things with me like a man, you went behind my back to get on Tinder and look for other women. Of course, I would have been hurt by a breakup, but what bothers more now is the fact that I had to find out after you started looking for other women rather than before.
It meant that I meant nothing to you. If my feelings and our relationship had expected anything to you, you wouldn’t have done this. You wouldn’t have looked for someone else or hidden it from me. After I poured so much of myself into our relationship, to find out that it meant nothing to you hurt more than I have the words to express.
More than anything, I felt deeply hurt by what I saw and by what you did. What you did was not just something you were doing because it made you happy. It was something that directly affected me and my feelings, and there’s no way you didn’t see that. The fact that you hid what you were doing from me lets me know that you knew it would hurt me.
I’m hurt because you didn’t value me. You put yourself first in the relationship to the point where my feelings didn’t matter at all. You didn’t respect me, either. You treated me like I was nothing which gave you the right to pursue other women as you pleased. You were everything to me, and I would never have done this to you, yet you had no problem doing it to me.
I also felt angry. Angry at you for doing this to me and mad at myself for not seeing the red flags sooner. When you started hiding your phone from me and spending more time with various mysterious “friends,” I should have known something wasn’t right, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt and didn’t question things like I should have.
Hopefully, now you understand what it meant to me when I saw those notifications on your phone since according to you it “didn’t mean anything.”