I knew that when your phone lit up, it wasn’t who you said it was – but for some reason I denied it.
I knew that when I questioned you, you weren’t giving me the whole truth – yet I continued to try and believe you anyway.
And I knew that when I walked away, it would be the rebirth of my self-worth and journey to myself.
Isn’t it odd that when we’re in the thick of things, we’re never able to see the entire picture clearly? You would think that somewhere in the evolution of human beings, a little area inside our brains would have developed, allowing us to better identify when we’re being deceived. Maybe we have made improvements over the decades, but it still seems that our minds tend to trick us into thinking that all is well, even when the signs of disaster are imminent.
It could be that our tenacity and sheer drive for inner development causes us to ignore the red flags. Or perhaps it’s our innate “happy go lucky” nature that prevents us from fully grasping the sense of things in order to protect our sanity. Either way, we inevitability doubt the true nature of the circumstance that we’re in – that is until we reach our breaking point.
Now I’m no doctor or shrink, but I have had enough life experience in this matter to write an entire novel on it.
When I Lost You, I Found Myself and Now I Don’t Want to Go Back
Now that I’ve been through the ordeal, I can look back at it with a fresh set of eyes and see the warning signs, the signals and even the emotional gut feeling that my body was sending out in full force. I see it all so clearly now, yet at the time I was completely blind to what was transpiring.
I think as young women growing up in today’s world, we’ve been faced with two opposing world views. One is the traditional route – go to school and get a good education, find a decent man, settle down and start making babies. That plan doesn’t sound too bad, maybe a little bland if I’m being completely honest, but if you’re with someone you love and you desire that path, it could be quite comfy and rewarding in many ways.
On the other side of the spectrum, we’ve been shown the behaviors of many women who have trail blazed their own path to success, whatever it may be. Outspoken girl bosses who’ve denied the pressures that society has placed on us and have decided that they will call the shots and travel the world alone, maybe adopt a child from another country and raise them on their own, or perhaps even start their own company – nothing is off limits. It’s exhilarating just as much as it is confusing.
I think back to when I was in a relationship with a guy that was totally jaded, completely based on mistrust and rooted in fear and shame. Sure, it didn’t start out that way, but once things started to turn for the worse, I questioned what I should do. My thoughts were all over the place. Should I stick it out with a guy that I’ve been with for a long time, after all, all my friends are getting married and the pressure is mounting to wed and procreate. Or shall I ditch the whole thing altogether, because deep down I know I’m not happy and this relationship isn’t healthy.
While it might seem like an obvious choice, let me tell you that it’s a lot harder when you’re the one in the middle of the decision.
The pressure to follow and do what the social order tells you to do is tough. I thought I was immune to the subtle nuances and societal pressures around me, but I wasn’t. I was just a susceptible as the next girl – but I was also just as strong.
After I’d had enough of the lies and deceit, I made the difficult decision to walk away. Trust me, it was hard. There were days that I felt alone. Days that I wished for the comfort of someone to hold me in their arms – but I refuse to pay the price of allowing someone who doesn’t treat me the way I deserve to be the one those arms belong to. And you shouldn’t either.
The price you pay to be mistreated is far greater than the small amount of pain it takes to walk away. I’m thankful that now I get to look back with a fresh set of eyes and feel content and gratitude for my decisions. When faced with a tough choice, remember this: Would your potential future daughter be proud of your decision?
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About the Author: Madalyn is a Florida-born girl who has spent the last four years working and basking in the Caribbean sun. Even though she grew up dancing professionally, she is often called a “bull in a china shop” for her clumsy ways. A true lover of the outdoors and new places, Madalyn is always up for an adventure. She has a vast taste for different types of music, often getting caught dancing wherever she is. Writing has always been a passion for Madalyn, and she’s made it her personal life mission to spread the love through words by detailing the eccentricities, from the unconventional to the mundane, of a 20-something just trying to figure out this life, one adventure at a time.
